2006-01-16, 8:34 a.m.
I slept so awful last night. I was so, so anxious. I'm guessing about St. Joe's...but I don't know why I am. I mean, I'm nervous to have to eat food there and I'm nervous about the evening and how I'm not going to binge and purge..but I'm not one to lose sleep over my life and anxieties. Plus, I took 3 sleeping pills versus my usual 2 and I was wide awake. I slept in blocks a few hours, waking up for an hour or so inbetween. I woke up this morning at 7, though I set my alarm for 7:45. I ended up getting out of bed at 7:30 and trying to get ready as slow as possible. Still, it's 8:35 and I don't need to leave for another 10 minutes.
I'm really afraid of what the other girls will be like and introducing myself to them. I hope Laura, the nutriotinist is here today to tell me what to eat since I don't have a food plan. I also hope Cathy, the occupational therapist is there because I don't like when Alissa is there in her place. I wish I knew if I am suppose to go up to the office and be brought in the room we meet in or should I just go there and introduce myself. I don't feel brave and optimistic anymore. I feel afraid and like giving in to temptation. Part of me, the sick part of me, is saying okay eat the food at program and don't eat when you get home (or binge and purge!) because I'm likely to lose weight that way.
I want to take diet pills so I'm not hungry after program or during program. Gah, I'm so anxious my hands are shaking. I am usually not like this. I don't know why I'm freaking out so much. I mean, I'm glad to be going back because I'm tired of spending my days in bed and forcing myself to go outside and trying to figure out how to kill time till I can binge and purge. I want a different life. I'm just scared of failing and having to go to Oceanaire and disapointing people. When Julio and I were talking about whether or not St. Joe's will be enough, he said "You know I have an opinion but you need to figure out for yourself what's best." I know his opinion is that it won't be enough...he told Dr. Kim that and has expressed that to me via e-mail...that I need 24 hour supervision. I'm afraid he's right.