Discouraged and failing.
2006-01-17, 8:05 p.m.

After purging till there is nothing left in you, nothing taste better then ice cold water. I'm so deyhdrated and so tired I chug down a 9 oz water bottle without struggling. After speed walking on my treadmill for 20 minutes, I chug down another 9 oz and keep gulping water slowly.
So it goes without saying I purged today. Sunday was going to be the last day since I was going into treatment and everything. Yesterday was going to be the last day because I didn't have a food plan before that. Tonight I don't have an exusce. I binged because I felt uncomfortable with food inside of me, so I decided to make the purge worth it. I'm trying to stay optimistic: atleast i'm struggling with it. atleast i'm trying not to binge. this takes time. you didn't develop an eating disorder over night... but I can't help to be super discouraged. I'm afraid I made a mistake thinking I could do this on my own by only going into an intensive outpatient program(IOP). The other girls trigger the hell out of me because they're dangerously underweight. I'm starting to feel even more uncomfortable with my weight. It's stupid, but because I'm only on 1500 calories or so (my guesstimate) I feel like I'm being told "you're fat. you could lose. you're not on weight gain because you're not thin enough." Not that I want to gain weight, I just wish I was thinner to a point where it was an issue. I guess it all boils down to wanting attention and feeling not as superior. I wish I only had to work on learning to eat. I feel gipped and like I have a bigger battle because not only do I have to work on eating X amount of food, but I have to fight off bingeing and purging. I wish I was like the other anorexics and could be eating 3000 calories a day and still look like a stick. I mean, I know we all have our crosses to bare, but theirs is prettier and not as heavy.
I see Julio tomorrow and am definitly going to tell him about all of this. I need to process a lot of shit. But I'm scared if I tell the staff at St. Joseph's..they'll just be like, "we knew it. you're not any different", because they're already acting like I'm going to fail. I'm getting people doubting me, wondering if I can change, wondering if i will change. I wish they would say "we know you can do it!" instead of "How is this time going to be any different?"