2006-01-21, 11:23 p.m.
From two days ago:
I'm so pissed.
I saw my family doctor this morning for that bone denisty test. He was so fucking rude. He said I was turning into mighty mouse, I'm getting fat, I'm piling the pounds on, I use to be such-and-such weight and now I'm fat. I'm so, so upset. He's such a moron. He knows I have an eating disorder. Then, I guess for his amusement, he was like "So if I were to buy you a 6 dollar double burger from carls jr, would you want to go throw up during eating, after, or would you want another?" It was like he was making fun of me.
I don't even want to go St. Joseph's tomorrow. Not only do the other girls trigger the hell out of me and make me feel huge, I feel unadequate compared to them because I'm not sick enough, thin enough, or have enough medical problems. I feel stupid.
I'm seriously paranoid now. I feel huge. Any comfort I had in "i might be thin still" is out the window.
i struggled everyday this week trying not to binge and purge. i seriously took everyday as a new day and tried not to binge and purge when i got home from st joes. everyday i failed miserably.
today and yesterday i didn't even try. after my doctor's appointment i just ate some candy for dinner and that was that. Yesterday, the day after, i declared myself fat and giving up. I planned a binge and purge. Friday while I was falling asleep in a fat panic, I decided to fast this weekend. That lasted till about an hour after I woke up. I ate some candy and got over the idea, and just decided to restrict. I didn't eat anything till 4:30 in the afternoon, after that roll of sprees in the morning. i took ephedra that day and kind of felt ill. to counter act the hyper-ness i took some sleeping pills but couldn't sleep. i was ready to sleep the day away but i convinced myself i wasn't depressed.
tonight as i was puking a startling thought came to my head: "I'm going to die from this. This is going to kill me." I felt as if I was admitting defeat. No matter how hard I try, I can't get over this addiction. I'm just hoping I die sooner then later.
It sounds so ridiculous but I just can't lick this. I need a miracle, someone to love me.