2006-01-24, 6:06 p.m.
The dietician, Laura is recommending an inpatient program. She wanted me to go to UCLA but my insurance will only cover 40%. The places they will cover 100% are Del Amo and Monte Nido.
I told her I didn't want to go. (This was in group) I was pretty upset. Crying and stuff. When she asked why I told her I'll just fight it. I don't want to go to a restrictive program. I want to stay there and work on this. I told Laura that I'm trying..I'm really trying. But It's only been a week, I can't change overnight, and I'm working on it. Laura is concerned that my health is severly compromised. I told her that's a weak argument because I'm fine but she said that because I've been doing this for so long without a break, I'm at risk. She said she doesn't want another 4 weeks to go by till they realize I need higher care. She said because she's seen me in this spot before she has more concern and feels more responsibility. She said she wouldn't let her own kid continue like this and she won't let me.
I just cried and said I'd rather die then go to residential.
After lunch, I was dating the food with a sharpie at a table. She came up to me and rubbed my back and said she's doing what she believes is best for me. She said she knows this is not the quality of life I want. She told me to hang in there and take care of myself.
I've never seen Laura like that before. She's usually very put together, very stern, and very unemotional. It was nice to see her concern, but it also concerned because something had to be really off for her to act like that.
Tonight I'm going to an OA meeting and am going to try to have a purge free day. It'd be the first day in months and i really, really want to just get one day under my belt. I'm telling myself I can do it tomorrow if I want, just not tonight.
So that's the latest.