2006-01-29, 2:30 p.m.
god. i'm never going to get better. i just can't stop puking.
Yesterday was suppose to be my free day. I've been semi-succesful with the idea of purging every other day. I have two purge free days under my belt this week. So the weekend hits and I'm really freaking out Saturday because that was the time I loved to binge and purge because my parents go to the movies that evening. I kept busy ALL day, though. I felt really good. Seriously happy. I went on a bike ride, grocery shopping without buying binge food, washed my car, took a walk, washed some sandals, and other little things i've been meaning to do. Evening hits. I went out to buy cigarettes, diet coke, and a birthday card for my dad. When I went to Drug Emporium to get the card for my dad, I saw several food items on sale for a dollar. I had major flash backs of buying diet pills and binge food at that store. I bought some gummy sharks and one dollar chocolate peanut butter truffles....for tomorrow, I said to myself. I went to the gas station for my coke and cigs and I bought some binge food...for tomorrow...because I was there. Then I decided to get frozen yogurt for the evening and go home. I wanted to kill some more time so I drove to Big 5, where I have a gift card I found in a parking lot a few weeks back, and browsed the store. After that, I was majorly jonesing to binge and purge. I said "fuck it. i won't purge tomorrow." and got chinese food and fast food. I felt angry and anxious. I smoked on the way home and felt the anger boil in me at myself. When I got home, pulling infront of my house, I was ready to break out the razor and cut myself. I hit the curb with my car and yelled "GOD DAMNIT YOU STUPID FUCK". I had to sit in my car for a good 5 minutes to calm down. I was digging my nails into my leg and thinking "you stupid fat fuck up. you'll never be anything but fat."
I went inside and binged and purged as soon as my parents left for the movies. It was a good purge and I felt a little elated. That feeling soon crashed, though, because my electrolytes or something went wonky and I started to shake and seriously need somethng in my system. I ate some grapes and drank some light cranberry juice but I was still freaking out. I ate a tortilla chip and the salt tasted SO fucking good. I ate another and all of a sudden i was on to round two. I purged that right away and passed out into bed. I slept for 11 hours.
Today I told myself no purging. I felt more confident because I wouldn't have so much opportunity and I ate all the fucking food last night. As I was getting ready for the day, my dad said my sister is coming over to take us out to lunch. It was for my dad's birthday, so i went. I got a salad with a veggie burger patty chopped up in it. It was good, filling, and I didn't eat so much of the patty to feel guilty. As soon as I got home, I felt dread come over me. I joked to my dad, as we walked into our garage, saying "I don't want to go home." After about 5 minutes of wandering around my house, I went into the garage where my dad was working and said "let's do something." He said he needs 30 minutes to finish a project. I took a bath because I was freezing, and killed time shopping online. After 45 minutes, it was clear my dad was going to take some time. I felt hungry so I got some grapes and yogurt. It wasn't satisfying. I debated with myself if I wanted to purge but told myself no no no no. I just don't care anymore so I was like "Whatever. I'll just lie about it." I ate a lot of my safe food..100 calorie pack stuff, fruit cups, 45 calorie sara lee bread, icecream, and a bagel and cream cheese. I puked, went upstairs, and said to my dad "you lie!" he said 10 more minutes.
Now I sit and feel like shit. I am in a catch 22 because if I admit to how this weekend went, they have more reason to send me to IP. If I lie, I'm just screwing myself over and getting false praise.
Friday afternoon, near the end of group, we were talking about our weekend plans. I said I don't have, but I need to fix my classes since I'm suppose to start monday and I still have day classes which would conflict with program. The thought of it overwhelmed me. Someone suggested I clean my room that I keep complaining about. Instead of feeling motivated, I just felt discouraged. I put my head down on the table, next to my snack, and moaned "i don't want to do life anymore." I think the rec therapist thought I was kidding, but I wasn't. I don't want to get better and face life, and I don't want to work on getting better. It's all too much. I just want to quit at life.