2006-01-30, 10:24 p.m.
Oh my god. that was disasterous.
My dad came to family group this evening and it didn't go quite as smooth as last week.
He started his insanity but going off on how he heard Dr. Marshall talk about something about infections in the brain being linked to OCD. We went around the circle telling the group where are progress and set backs have been with ourselves and our family. I said behaviorly things are moving slowly, but I think everything else is moving foward. Alissa, the group leader, asked me what I need from my dad. To look at him and ask him what I need. I didn't really know because I think I've verbalized all my needs but my dad hasn't listened. I said that, too. That's when things got out of control.
My dad got really defensive. The whole evening he was shouting, almost walked out, and was being REALLY black and white. Saying "what do you want me to do? kill my wife? divorce her?" Thinking my needs were some big solution instead of the little stuff like emotional support. It was a huge big dramatic thing that I don't even know if I can back track and explain. He kept interrupting everyone, said he's a damn good father, this isn't "attack the parents night" and belittled everything. It was really good, though, because I had the support of all the other parents and peers from St. Josephs. They all interjected things to support me saying they understand my dad is trying to do what's best for me but isn't seeing the big picture. I heard a couple mumbles of "poor girl" as my dad was going off. I met eyes with a lot of the parents and my peers while my dad was ranting bullshit and we both rolled our eyes or put our head in our hands. It was seriously useless. We were going around in a circle and my dad was SO set in his ways that nothing was getting through to him.
The breaking point for me, though, was when Alissa asked my dad if he's willing to take this journey with me and support me. My dad defensively interjected that he supports me, my sister, my brother, and everyone else. Alissa countered that ya, he's supporting us finacially but what she's hearing that I need is support else where. Then my dad went on about how much he has on his plate: work, family, blah blah blah. Alissa asked him once again if he's willing and he said "well, i'm here, aren't I?" and she said what about elsewhere and he said "well that would take more time..." and I think I lost it. I was crying a little the whole time but hearing that he doesn't have time for me just broke the straw. I exusced myself, walked outside, and burst out into tears. I walked down the hall quickly to the bathroom and gulpped sobs. One of the other girls in the program was quickly behind me and took me into a hug. I'm not usually one to do that but I totally embraced her, sobbing into her chest, while she rubbed my back and said comforting things like "it's okay." i kept saying "i'm sorry for crying on you." and "he just basically said he has no time for me." Kylan, the girl from program, offered to let me spend the night and I said ya at first, but later decided I'm okay to go home. We walked back in, me puffy eyed and red faced, and I sat back down next to my dad. This time though, I scooched away from him and faced my body in the other direction. I was starting to get mad, yet feeling helpeless. Alissa asked if this is how our conversations always go and I said yes. Exactly. A big run around. I did good at being honest and confrantational, but it got to a point where there was no point arguing the situation anymore. The other people in the session weren't done yet, though. I got a lot of support. And a lot of peple saying "she's crying out for help and you're telling her she's not good enough."
After we ended, I talked with Alissa for a bit. Usually I can't STAND her but I suddenly gained a new respect for her and how she handled my dad. She was really good and upfront and firm. I talked with her a bit, thanked her, and talked about what just happened. She joked that she has about an hour of charting to do now.
My dad and I talked in the parking lot and in the car. He bitched about what he didn't like, I tried to be understanding yet defended the group. We had a pretty good talk but he is so set in his ways and believes he is correct and is so closed off that the conversation didn't move mountains or anything. I am not even getting my hopes up for a pebble to move. I did tell him every thought in my head and how I think he's just not listening and being receptive and considering what the group has to say.
God, so much more then what I just wrote about happened but I can't rehash it anymore. I came home and got frozen yogurt and took 4 sleeping pills and didn't binge and purge. I'm starting to think I'm going to have to do this all on my own but I really want and need my dad's help.
maybe i'll write more tomorrow about what happened but I'm exhausted.