I abandoned diaryland
2006-02-10, 6:38 p.m.

I don't like not updating this often. It hasn't been a particularly busy week, I just have been really exhausted.
seriously, all I do all day is sit around, talk, and eat, and I come home ready to nap. The battle to not binge and purge every evening is so exhausting. These past three days I've been even more drained. I wonder if I'm getting sick or something. I got a decent amount of sleep (not too much, not too little) but I'm still so sleepy. I'm so glad it's the weekend. I think I'd go crazy if I had to make that drive again tomorrow.
Let's see..what's new at program. We got a couple new patients. The first one is Kristin. She's really...odd to say the least. She is bulimic with a past of incest. I think she's 22. My take on her is that she's a huge attention whore. She has been in treatment for years and admits to liking the attention and seeking parental figures in treatment centers. Whenever she's not the center of attention, she cries or spaces out so someone will ask her what's wrong. The other day at lunch, she completely froze and no one could get her to snap out of it. I seriously think she was faking it so Rita would sit with her. Luckily, on Wednesdays and Fridays, she is going to the chemical dependency unit at St. Josephs. I seriously think she's bullshitting this whole alcohol abusing thing. Like, she got a urine and blood sample and no alcohol was in her system..yet she claims to drink every night. Her personaity is really weird, too, she randomly shouts out "Kristin is out of control! out of control!" All of us just look at eachother like "what the fuck.."
The other is this girl named Janai (Ja-Nye). She's been at St. Josephs before so automatically she has this holier know it all attitude. On her first day she asked me to stop shuffling my papers because it was "distracting her". Stupid cunt. I think she's in love with herself because she's constantly touching her legs and arms and stretching...trying to show off how flexible she is. I'm tempted to say to her, "Janai, can you stop touching yourself, it's distracting me."
Treatment wise, things are going okay. I have moments of panic and discouragment but I'm learning a lot. I'm learning how dependent I am on my dad and recognizing times where I just want him to notice me. I'm also learning he's not going to be a father figure and I need to find love and support else where. I am applying for some jobs and met with a counselor today at school to figure out my options with classes. Overall, I feel okay, like I'm moving on with my life. But with my eating disorder I feel scared because I can't stop the purging. I had a couple days purge free this week, but other than that, I'm still really addicted. I'm afraid the people at st. joes were right that I need more treatment...but I'm still not ready to go that route. I'm also taking my prozac now (one week today) and i'm afraid to admit that might be the reason I don't feel so depressed.
I saw Julio last monday and i see him again next Monday. Last week's appointment was good but I honestly can't remember much about it. Too much shit has gone on. Monday night was family night and my sister came. That was good but hard. It feels like my sister doesn't understand how gripping an eating disorder is and I think she feels like I just need to get out, be happy, and get over this. She told me it's hard to put herself in my shoes because she's so different then me...which I totally understand. I know she is very different then me so it's hard to understand how i'm going through this type of stuff but that also makes it hard to be around her because I feel like she's constantly being judgemental and nonempathetic. At any rate, were going wedding dress shopping this Sunday for her.
I'll try to keep up with this more.