2006-02-17, 12:35 a.m.
Ok. I need to be honest with myself for two seconds.
I need to figure out what my plan is. What I think I can do. What I am going to do.
Do I think I can get better at St. Josephs?
I think I'm capable of it, yeah, but I won't because I don't HAVE to. I keep waiting for something. Waiting for tomorrow, saying this will be my last time to binge/purge, and pushing things off. I know sticking me in a hospital would be good because I'd be forced to examine why I want to binge and see what happens when I can't. I mean, that happened a little at Oceanaire. I couldn't purge freely and I couldn't binge and I got REALLY depressed and really anxious. What I should of done was LOOK at why I felt those things. I'm afraid of my feelings.
I know I can't keep doing this: being sick and being in treatment at the same time. And I'm so fucking sick of being sick. I see what I want but I don't know how to get it or what it would look like. I want a life, I want a job, I want to be fucking HAPPY and FUFILLED. But I have no idea how to get those things. I can't even fathom what life would be like AFTER an eating disorder. How do you give up something so precious and fufilling? How do you go beyond that and push aside all your ideas that food is bad, thin is good, and the more you resist the stronger you are? How do you change your beliefs?
Sometimes, if I really step back and look at myself, I get a really distorted distant look upon it. I think, eating disorders are so weird. I eat tons of food and then make myself throw it up...and know I was going to do that. Who throws up their food? That's so weird to start the digestion process then interrupt it. And who is afraid of doing what children are taught to do? I can't do the basic function of eating. Today at St. Josephs we went out to lunch and all of us were so nervous and so excited. We were afraid of something that normally people look foward to and enjoy. Instead all I could worry about was how much I had to consume. I obsessed in my head whether to get lemonade to get in a grain or fruit. NORMAL people would get lemonade if they wanted it and eat bread if they were hungry. I'm trying to figure out which has less calories and would be easier to consume.
Tonight, I was driving to get frozen yogurt and decided I'll just get binge food too since I'll probably binge and I might as well have good food. I got really angry as I walked into the gas station's shop. I was thinking, god, i'm so fucking sick of this. i'm not even hungry. nothing sounds good. why the fuck am i doing this? I bought my food, no embarassment over a box of doughnuts and 2 huge cookies and a zillion candy bars and a diet soda, and left. Then I debated whether or not to stop at mcdonalds. the decision was too stressful so i thought "what the hell. it doesn't sound good but it might when i get home." i binged, didn't taste anything, purged, and hated myself. As I was driving around tonight, I just thought, GOD, i just want to be dead.
this is so fucked up.