break down.
2006-05-17, 5:16 p.m.

Fucking long day.
I woke up, showered, and drove to planned parenthood. The nazi woman behind the desk was a condescending bitch. I was in there for an hour and a half before I had to go. I was suppose to be home at 12:30 and left there about 12:15.
From there, my dad drove me to some 200 dollar an hour holistic weirdo. He lectured me about what bulimia was doing to me as if I would go, "OH! Really? Okay, I'll stop then!" I tried to be honest and friendly but his lack of eating disorder knowledge made the whole meeting frustrating. On top of that, we got there really late because my dad got lost and couldn't find it. We had to ask 90 different people how to find walnut street and my dad was ready to strangle someone by the time we got there. I kept telling him to fucking relax. I had an appt with Julio at 3 so I needed to be out of there by 2:30. We arrived 45 min to my 1:00 appt and got out of there at 3. At 2:40 I told him I have about 5 minutes and I really got to go. But he can't talking talking and taking his time like he didn't care if I was going to be late. We got out of there at 3 and I was a wreck for the full 35 min till we got to Julios. I couldn't stop shaking, crying, and thinking how I fucked up because we didn't get out of there on time. I got to Julios at about 3:35, 35 min late. He raised his eyebrow at me and said, better late than never.
As we walked into his office, I explained that my dad dragged me to this fucking doctor that wouldn't shut up. I realized I was talking loud and fast and shaking. I sat in his office and tried to calm down. My hands were shaking a mile a minute, I kept bouncing my legs up and down, and Julio looked me oddly. He told me to take deep breaths, calm down, it's fine.
I just started bawling. I'm so fucking frustrated, I cried. I spat out everything...blunt and honest and full force. What an ass my dad is, this fucking retarted doctor who couldn't get eating disorders, how I'm mad at St. Josephs because I need them to care for me and they won't take me back. Then, I added without thinking, "I spent all fucking morning in planned parenthood." He stopped. "You did what? Why?" I put my hood over my hair and said I'm a fucking moron. He asked, "you got laid again?" I said no, this time I whored myself out. He asked questions, I provided graphic details without caring.
He looked worringly at me and said softly "please don't self-destruct. you don't deserve this. you're making yourself unlovable so you can focus on how much you hate yourself. you don't have to do this." I just bawled and said I don't know what to do. I don't even see a light anymore..atleast when I was at st. josephs I had a reason to get up everyday and now I see no purpose in getting out of bed. I told him how my sister asked me if I'm going to summer school and I said I don't know, hell, I don't even know when it starts. I admitted to not wanting to move I look up job offers, housing offers, and respond to some but never take it further than that.
By now, I was spitting out every thought and confession in my head. He tried to get me to calm down because I couldn't sit still. At about 4:15, a brief 35 min appt, he said he has to go. I said, fucking shit. I hate this. I just want to camp out in the corner of your office. He made jokes, like he was talking to other patients, "Oh, don't mind her. She just lives here. She's not even listening." I added, "Don't worry. She won't tell anyone what you're sharing...she doesn't have any friends to tell it to."
Julio gave me instructions: Go to planned parenthood tomorrow. Don't just HOPE you're not pregnant. Do it. Do it. Do it. He said over and over. Get a job. Go to meetings. He hugged me outside his office as he does every week and I didn't want to let go. I wanted to cry right there..please don't let me go. Please don't leave me. He rubbed my back as we walked up to the front desk and the touch of another human being was so soothing. When he brought his next patients into his office, he waved behind his back to me.
The loneliness and need for human interaction was so strong. I left wanting more. Needing more.