2006-05-23, 12:03 p.m.
Boredom and loneliness are of the devil.
My depression is up up up. My anxiety closely follows. I could barely sleep last night and this morning I had a psych appt at 9:00. I got home intending to nap, but I was too awake (on 4.5 hours??) to get comfortable.
BQ put me back on my prozac and I dropped off the prescription. He asked if i've noticed a difference without it and not really. I was depressed even when I was on it. I think I'm just going through some PMSing stage that makes me even more depressed.
Yesterday was awful. I spent nearly 3 hours on the couch playing solitare on my Ipod and listening to sad music. Then I just layed down starring at the couch, crying.
Last night I got to bed around 2 AM. I spent an obscene amount of time laying in bed, crying, listening to music, and taking pills. I took 6 sleeping pills and didn't feel tired till 6 AM. I fell asleep around 2, woke up several times, and when I woke up around 6 I finally felt like I could keep sleeping, but I had to get up in about an hour and a half.
Depression was horrid this morning. I told BQ I felt like I was losing my mind and my hands have been shaking for nearly 3 weeks. As I walked out of his office, I felt like crying. I felt empty and hopeless and like, great, if he can't help me what now? What will I do with my dad? I wanted to lay down on his couch and sleep....stay in the secure office. When I got home, I took 2 sleeping pills after arguing with my mom. I haven't taken sleeping pills during the day in quite some time.
I'm STILL awake from when I took them 2 hours ago. I'm also bingeing, though. -.- good times. I plan to purge and see if i can sleep then.
I see Julio tomorrow and I'm doing my old desparate thing of counting down the time till when I'll see him.
Only 21 hours to go.
I called Laura the dietician from st. josephs. I asked if she'd work with me as my dietican outside of any treatment, of course, since I'm probably not returning to st. joes. She hasn't called me back and I feel angry and rejected. I feel angry at st. josephs because they were the only family I had and they basically threw me to the wolfs. I don't think I would go back even if I could, now.