2006-06-25, 4:14 p.m.
Yeseterday after I got the meth, I didn't even use it. I ended up bingeing and purging then going to bed feeling tired and peaceful.
This morning my dad woke me up to tell me when were going to my sister's. Today is her birthday. As usual, I didn't get her anything. Not because I didn't want to, but because I'm such a self-absorbed brat I don't take the time.
I showered, dressed, and snorted half my meth. I didn't get the familiar feeling. I dumped the rest of it out, crushed it up, and snorted it. All 50 bucks worth gone in a few minutes. I felt amazing and on top of the world. I was suddenly talkative and relaxed and easy to be around. I suddenly was thinking more clearly about what an ass I've been.
I totally fucked up with danielle and I feel horrible. I wish we were able to go together but it's not fair for me to expect her to drive me. She has no obligation to do that for me and I should've recognized that and talked to her. I'm just generally a really bad friend. I neglect relationships and don't give back. I take and take and never give back. Same with my sister. And it's never anything personal...I'm just so self-absorbed I don't take the time to call my friends or sister up. And then I always feel bad, like i do right now, for being a neglectful bad friend and truly decide to change. Honestly, I plan on apologizing and talking to Danielle and trying harder to give back in our relationship. I want to show her I appreciate her because I really do. She's been an amazing friend who's bought me movie tickets and food and never asked for anything back. I honestly wasn't trying to take advantage of her but I think i just got use to being taken care of. I really hope this fight will let our relationship grow instead of diminish. I feel all cheesy while trying to communicate with her via phone and text messaging, and i don't want her to like, roll her eyes, but I really mean it. I am trying not to blame myself completely though because there is some stuff she said to me that I wasn't aware of at all and I wasn't sure what she was reffering to. So I think both of us need to open our communication. And again, I feel lame for talking like that, and wish I had relationships like guys (more relaxed and straight foward) but there is nothing wrong with having a heart-to-heart once in awhile, right?
I honestly want to make an effort to talk to my sister, christie, and danielle more and give back and be more open and honest and push myself with going out with them.
Honestly, though, I don't know if I feel so remorseful because of the meth. I know I am remorseful but the extent and the passionate feelings attatched to it..I don't know if it's not artifical.
And I don't want to stop feeling like this. I like how I feel right now. I feel like my mind is clear and willing to do things to better my life. I feel like patching up things from my past and changing who I am. I feel like being less selfish and more giving.
I never want these feelings to end.
I worry, though. Danielle said I've changed and I don't know if she means from the meth or just over time with the bulimia. I don't want her to not like who I am now. I want to be able to show her that I can be a good person and that she deserves a good friend. Because she does.
I really want to talk to Danielle and make things okay. I really hope she wants to make things okay. This waiting time to hear from her is killing me and making my anxiety high high high. I have so much I want to explain and apologize for and ask her about. I just hope she feels the same way.