2006-06-26, 9:03 p.m.
I don't even know who I am anymore. And I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I'm tired of the stress and discomfort that comes with realizing how much I've fucked up.
I don't know why the fuck I'm doing meth and being so careless with friends and myself. I can't seem to make myself care.
My moods are erratic. I go from passionatly feeling very emotional about something to just being tired of talking about it. I never want to promise anything to anyone because I don't know how i'll feel at the time the promise needs to be fufilled. I guess to protect myself, I watch out for my future mood alterations, but at the same time that gives me room to isolate and not try to push myself to get out and do things that make me uncomfortable.
I stayed up all last night. Yesterday I was in a great mood and was loving how I was feeling. I was friendly to my sister on her birthday and relaxed in my own skin. This evening I started to feel myself crash. There is this great feeling of loss over that...I really don't want this feeling to end. I like being productive and having energy and not bingeing and being friendly...all the stuff my anti-ds are suppose to do but never do. I also know I am walking into fire and by opening pandoras box i'm repeating the eating disorder cycle again. I mean, with my ED, I didn't want to stop till it was an issue I barely had control over. I don't want to let this get to that point...but i honestly don't want to stop yet.
bah. i'm so over thinking about this. and me. i'm sick of me.