2006-06-28, 7:40 p.m.
This morning I saw Laura. That went well. She wants me to try to introduce some foods like sweedish oatmeal and brown rice. she also wants me to add mandarin oranges and chicken to the salad I eat almost daily. I am going to try to do atleast one of the things she wants me to add and see if i can gradually add more. purging hasn't been such a focus lately. I told Julio it feels like I could leave it behind. I'm over bingeing, i don't binge on nearly as much as I use to, and I am over purging (over as in fed up...not cured). I know though, that if I don't eat properly it will just set me up to binge and i need to work on my all or nothing thinking in terms of food.
I saw Julio this afternoon. Which also went very, very well. We talked about the meth use and how I feel so much better on it...I want to change things in my life and be productive and I'm generally just a better person to be around. I mentioned that I'm trying to get some ADD pills - like Ritalin. He wants me to let him test me for ADD because there has been a small percentage of people where doctors realize they have ADD because when they use street drugs they respond posistively....they feel normal rather than buzzed and thats how I think I feel. However, he told me not to fuck with him and that he isn't going to lose his liscense over me. I told him I'd never lie to him because as much as I want pills, that is the only place i have to be 100% honest.
I was so fidgety during our session. I guess I've been that way all day. He asked me if I was on meth NOW because of how shakey I was and how I couldn't sit still. I kept playing with my ring until I dropped it n the grund. I tried to sit on my hands but i would readjust every 10 seconds, realize it, and sit on them again. He asked me to put my hands out to see how shakey they were and I said that's not a fair measurment because my hands always shake. He said the only time he's seen my hands shake as bad as they were was when i was on stimulants. I swore up and down I hadn't taken anything..because I hadn't since Sunday and I told him that..and he believed me.
At the end of all our sessions he says "okay, go home." Today I just kind of sat there not wanting to move. I said "But I dont' want to." He said "I know." He gave me a hug, as he always does, and I wanted to hold on tight. We walked up front to make my appts. He felt closer to me at the point...just the way we were chatting and joking. It felt really nice and I left feeling peaceful rather than panicked about how our session is over and now i don't know what to do with myself.
Tomorrow I go for the ADD test. His wife (office manager) is doing it. He says it's really, really boring but that's the point..to bore you. While I would be kind of excited if I got prescribed the drugs that I have been trying to get, I am not going to try to make myself score poorly. I couldn't live with myself if I did that. I'm terrible at keeping secrets and hiding things and with julio, I don't ever want to hide anything.