2006-07-05, 9:26 p.m.
Today I woke up, did a line of meth, got dressed, and headed off to see Laura the dietician. I got lost. As always. my appt was 11:30 and I got there at 11:55. I had to pay her 70 bucks for 5 minutes. I understand how professionally, you need to be paid for your time regardless how it's spent (don't show up, on time, late) but that might've been the last time my dad would pay for her and I got bloody 5 minutes. I wish she'd be a little less professional with payment.
I came home depressed as hell. I did another line of meth and felt a little better.
I saw Julio at 4. He told me I did very bad on the ADD test. I didn't know if that that meant ADD or not. If you fail an ADD test, does that mean you're not ADD? He went over the test results to me and explained my scores. On one of them I did average and the other I did really bad. The average score was 85-115. 80 and below is a sign of ADD symptons. I got 43. Hah. Julio told me he's sorry I have ADD but this could also be a good thing. Figuring out another issue with me gets us one more piece to the puzzle, so to speak. ADD medications could be a great big thing for me. Which I'm extremely happy about. I really need something big to kick me in the ass and get me going. Julio told me he talked to BQ about perscribing meds. BQ was skeptical at first but after Julio talked to him, he reviewed me file and test results, he's on board and ready for me. I have an appt with him next week.
Julio also told BQ I started doing meth. BQ's response was that i'm on the road to hell. BQ is never one to mince words. Julio repeated that to me a few times...trying to emphasize on how the earleir you turn back the easier it is and how this is the most dangerous thing i've ever gotten myself into...i registered what he was saying. i heard him. but i couldn't muster up any feelings. I knew I should've been scared and worried and a bunch of other extreme emotions. I knew how I should feel but I didn't feel anything. I have more emotions over the fact that i don't care than the the shit i'm doing themselves. I have this very disconnected feeling towards myself. Like I'm reading about me or heard about me.
I feel like I'm fucked. Absutely screwed and doomed to despair. I tried to explain why I feel like that to Julio but I don't think I explained it very coherantly. I hate who I am right now. I don't like people like me. I recognize what's wrong, I know what I shoudl be doing, yet I don't change anything and keep bitching about it. I don't want to say "I know I'm not going to do it...work on anything" because it sounds like i am usign a defeated attitude as a cop out...but I just have absolutely no will power, motivation, or desire to work on changing. I don't know how to make ymself care or have concern or motivation. The whole appointment I had the hardest time keeping myself from picking at myself. Julio kept saying "stop picking!" everytime my hand would wander under the table and onto my arm or leg. I didn't realize I was doing it so much until he pointed it out every single time. I could be talking about pikcing and picking at myself at the same time...I didn't even realize it. Maybe I shouldn't of had those lines today.
I really hope this ADD diagnosis is the big thing i need.