spinning plummeting
2006-07-07, 8:16 p.m.

This is getting out of hand. I've gotten 9 hours of sleep in 3 days and was tempted to stay up all night and smoke with this guy.
I slept with him because i can't say no. i was firm about a couple things that i was embarassed about but i'm kicking myself for letting it get to that point so fast. Or even at all. I realized how fucked up things have been when someone IMed me about how he had a good time with me and I couldn't remember which guy he was. I tried to be discreet and figure it out but I have no fucking clue who this guy is. I just know he's one of the 3 i did oral with.
I want to go to the newest guy's place just because I want company. If he wasn't such a bloody perv we could be friends. We get along good and have a lot in common. If I drew the boundary from the start I could have a potential, if not odd something odd, relationship type friend. Tomorrow I'm going to his place. I told myself 2 nights ago when I was with him that absolutely no way would I sleep with him. I knew I had to prepare myself because he started talking about watching porn. At first I was good and wouldn't let him take off my clothes while we were kissing, but I caved. On meth, time blurs together and 7 hours feels like 1 hour. the first 3 hours were fine. we didn't get tired and we were doing some fun stuff. then i was done. i was sick of it. i wanted to get dressed and go back to talking. meth also makes it hard for you get off, but makes you really horny. I kept trying to get him to cum because I just wanted it to be over.
Even finally after it was over, he was being touchy and i could tell he could have gone all night. i told him i was exhausted and he's welcome to jack off and i'll watch, but i'm done. i want so badly for people to like me and accept me i'll do anything to please them. but when i drew the line finally at the end of it all, i was freaking out the rest of the night that he didn't like me anymore. i so badly wanted to secure the relationship and further hang out sessions i fucked over the possibility of hanging out in the future because the relationship is weird and dishonest (on my half, atleast) and i'm either going to start avoiding him or going to have to find ways not to let him fuck me everytime i see him.
I don't know what's become of me. Something like 6 months ago I was virgin and never ever wanted to have sex and now I can't remember how many guys i've fooled around with and don't know most of their names.
Julio is getting me a new docotr because my family doctor is this old asshole. he wants me to get checked out for all the picking and such but i want to go for pregnancy and std testings. i've unprotected sex once and other times the contact made me nervous even if there wasn't penatration.
at first i did meth with a period of 2 weeks inbetween. then it became weekly. it's quickly becoming this every other day thing. i do it all night, stay up all day and night the next day, and finally sleep on the third day. Repeat that cycle as much as I can get my hands on it. Julio said I'm addicted and I asked him why he thinks that (not that I don't believe him). He said because i'm craving it. I know when i'm really jonesing and craving it and will do almost anything for it, but the times I just want it I wonder if I'm just not even trying not to do it.
On Tuesday I see BQ and hopefully will be getting the ADD meds. Julio doesn't want me to use while I'm on the meds so we can see how they work uninfluenced by the meth. I don't know how I could go longer than a week.