2006-07-09, 12:30 a.m.
I just realized I haven't binged or purged in a week. I can't remember the last time i did that by choice but i can't even be happy about it. the only reason i was able to pull it off was because of the meth. and everything i did on meth cancels out the good of not bingeing and purging.
I feel so humilated and stupid. I saw the guy from two nights ago that I slept with. Today he was stand-offish and told me he doesn't want to lead me on and he just wants a fuck buddy. I smoked weed for the second time and I definitely felt it this time. It made me super effed up. I couldn't form sentences and I was having problems following what the guy was saying. i'd have a thought about whatever he's telling me and before he finished the story, i'd forget what he was talking about.
i'm almost 100% sure he'll never call me again. I don't like this guy or respect who he is but my feelings are hurt by this. I feel ugly and childish and embarassed by everything I did with him. I know having sex with someone you barely know could never turn out good...and no matter how he treated me i'd feel like shit. Doing this is just going to fuck me up later because I'll be even more insecure about my self worth and what others think of me.
I feel so empty. Everyday I sit at this computer and try to think of something to do. What do I feel like doing? What would fufil me and cheer me up? I can never think of anything I feel like doing. I can think of things i could do, but nothing sounds good. ever. These days dragging on with endless stresses and no solutions insight. I've continued to go on a downward spiral. I keep adding to my current problems by trying to cope with self-destructive things. Now the stresses and problems are piling up and I still haven't found something to make me happy or bring me peace. Things look so bleek. I feel like I'm fucked and will never have the life I want. I've been thinking about death and after life and suicide a lot lately. I've been to this point before many times in the past and I've never seriously tried. I wish I had. I wish physician assisted suicide was legal.