fucked up while in session
2006-07-12, 11:05 a.m.

Last night around 10 ruston text messaged me asking if i want to come over and smoke some shit. i suddenly had energy and got dressed and went over there. we spent the night getting spun, playing video games, and watching porn. I left his house around 6:30 AM because I had an appt this morning with Julio at 9.
I got home, picked my face and body till 7:45, and showered and left at 8:30. At a red light, I text messaged ruston joking about how i'm on my way to my appt and was really fucked up. i still felt good. somewhere between that text message and julio's waiting room i began to crash. I was honest and open as usual. I told him I was out all night and how i've been using a lot of meth that week. He asked me where I think I am going with this and I said I know I am going on the road to hell. I told him about how I haven't seen christie for months, danielle still won't talk to me, and how i've replaced bulimia with meth.
he encouraged me to go to a 12 step program, get a sponsor, get a job, and basically get a life. we spent the rest of the session with me bawling into kleenex about how i don't want to do anything, life doesn't seem worth it, and i dont' want to do this alone. we talked about how i'm waiting for someone to rescue me and help me through life. he said that will continue to cripple me if i don't do this on my own. we talked about how i want a friend and a parental figure but they can't be the same person. i said if rita, laura, all the other serogent mom's in my past cared about me they'd take me into their lives. he said they do care and rita is probably upset about where i ended up. I interrupted and said but I don't know that. I have no idea if she cares. I cried as he told me for the upteenth billion time that I have no parents and neither of them are going to come rescue me. i asked why can't there be a middle ground between parental figure and friend...he told me he's probably the closest i'll get. i felt an emptiness and a sadness and a desire. i didn't know how to express that i can't do this on my own, i need help, and i need friends. i told him i know what i need to do but i have zero desire to do it. that nothing seems worth it and i just want to kill myself. he was firm with me saying how he's been there and wanting to die and it scared the shit out of him. that motivated him to make change. i said i'm scared shitless but am frozen in place. i tried to counter act that even if i go down the road of change i don't know if it will work out. he said no, you don't, but i do know that the road you go down has no light. it has no hope and will not get better but worse. i told him not to tell me that and he emphasized how true it was. i sat motionless and crying. i hugged him tight at the end of our session and started to cry with the contact. i wanted to stay there all day and have him take care of me. i want anyone to walk me through life because i can't do this alone.
i'm taking ruston to drop off his rental car so i'll write more later. there is so much confusion and hurt and emptiness in me. i need to sort it out and find a way to create a HEALTHY life.