down down down she goes
2006-07-16, 3:59 p.m.

It's amazing how fast things have spun out of control. I've been up for three days and still don't feel tired coming onto the fourth. The first time I did this I stayed up for 3 days but that was from one session. On Thursday evening I went to Don's. He is the guy who origainlly introduced me to it. He tried to make the moves on me but I was resistant. Friday evening I went to Ruston's. We did the baggy Don gave me as a parting gift. Dan, the second dealer I met who is gay, texted messaged me asking if he could crash at my place since he has no home right now. I said sure, because my parents went out of town on friday. After seeing Don, I finally fell in and out of sleep for two hours. That's when I got several texts and voicemails from Dan saying he's out front and wants to come in. I'm exhausted, wired, and irritiated he didn't give me a heads up. I was quite tempted to ignore him and prentend I never got his messages because i was SLEEPING but against my better judgment i let him in. We chatted a bit then went to buy some goodies. First we hit the gas station where I used my dad's gas card to buy drinks, beef jerky, cigarettes, and a few bic lighters. Next was the smoke shop where Dan asked the worker for a "pipe for oil burning". we each bought one. Me and Dan did some shit and I felt wired and happy. I decided to call Nessa, the girl I used as a decoy so the dealer wouldn't on me, and picked her up a few hours later. Feeling rather social, I then called Ruston and invited him over too. I bought a 40 dollar baggie off Dan and we smoked nearly all of it straight through. I didn't even notice till Ruston said "oh my god. we've been smoking so much shit for so long." Everything was hunky dorry minus my many runs to the bathroom to obsessively pick at my body. Dan leaves, I drop off Ruston, and it's just me and Nessa. It was quite uncomfortable. She is so passive I don't know if she really is "fine" or doesn't need anything. So the whole time I'm worried i'm not keeping her entertained and am also really fucked up so i want to do something crazy. i call 3 different tweakers and one comes a few hours later. He is moody and sleepy and i wonder why the hell he came over if he is just going to lay on my couch and grunt at us. He also told me all these great drugs he is going to bring and then just brought weed. Nessa went to get a cigarette and suddenly he's trying to get me naked. i'm not yelling "no" but i try to tell him i can't do this with nessa here. i can't be more rude to her than i already have been. he continues to fight and says "5 minutes". i sigh and agree. he tries to fuck me with protection so i keep pulling away and telling him we need a condom. he plays nice for a little and then tries again. like, 4 times. i was getting pissed now but he was so angry and hostile i was afraid he was going to rape me. really. i wasn't raped but i felt like shit coming back downstairs to nessa on the couch by herself. i spit out right away that i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me and chronically apologizing for being a bad host. mr forceful proceeded to fall asleep on my couch. nessa and i played cards for several hours and he finally said he was leaving. nessa hit the bathroom (gee, great timing again!) he kisses me and tells me to call him once nessa is gone. i want to laugh at him. riiiight. nessa and i spend the rest of the night playing games, watching tv, and smoking the pipes dry for whatever was left. I took a shower around 6 and told her I was ready to take her home when she was. She asked if we could wait a bit because she doesn't want her dad to get suspicious. i was fine with that and was glad to have the company. but then it was 11 and she was showing no signs of wanting to leave. i started to get tired in the tweaking mind was rambling about nonsense things but didn't want to sleep. I told her I had to sleep because I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to drive. the previous nights leaving rustons, i made a really poor decision. he said it was okay for me to stay over but my insecure self decided to leave. around 4 i try to drive my car home and i finally realize how spun i was. before ruston and i kissed goodbye, he told me to text him when i get home so he knows i am safe. i thought he was just trying to be nice, but once i started to walk around i realized he was concerned. After laying on the couch for 2 hours, picking at my body, i went back into the room i left nessa in. i prayeddd she left. she wasn't gone...she was exactly where i left her.i asked her if her dad could pick her up because i wasn't sure if i could drive. She basically said no which put me in a bind because i didn't want to be around anyone anymore. I drove her home in near silence. Both of us were crashing and listening to my bright eye's cd was making us even more depressed.
I got home from dropping her feeling so relieved to be alone. With my time, i sat in the living room in my underwear picking at myself... because I can with an empty house. not exaclty the most productive day.
already i want to do more. i want to get totally shit faced tonight but if i don't sleep tonight the effects are really going to be scary..more hallucinating and audibal hallucinations. ya, i don't need that.
i'm aware i'm in trouble as i scrape my pipe for one last hit. Last year at this time when my parents went on vacation, they left me 110 dollars for the week. i spent it all on binge food in 3 days. i've already spent 70 dollars on pipes, liters, and baggies. I have a feeling this is going to repeat my horrible experience last year but this time instead of bingeing on my addiction, i'm inhaling it.