2006-07-17, 8:23 p.m.
I think I fell for my sex buddy. He came over last night and spent the night. Midway through the evening he starts to act funny. after much pushing he tells me he doesn't think i've been honest with him. i try to clear things up and verify what was true or not..but it was difficult. I wasn't sure if I should even tell him I care about him. Today he was odd, again. I spent the day with him up until a couple hours ago. I texted him because he was acting odd all day and he says we are cool, and apologized for acting weird. i tried to question it further but he said "i'm being forthright" which is the exact opposite of what he was being. I don't know. We get along great...have a lot in common and and I can't remember the last time I was this comfortable with another person in such a deep/intimate matter. but were both horribly insecure and i'm constantly paranoid he's sick of me and he's constantly paranoid i'm not being honest. and it's really hard to know what to say or do when i don't know what he's feeling or thinking.
A dealer friend is suppose to come by and replace some shit he borrowed from me a couple days ago. ruston was suppose to come to but i haven't heard from in a couple hours. i've done way way too much shit this week. I've lost track of how often I'm using. It's nearly every day, most definitely atleast every other day. last night if i stayed up with ruston i would have been up for 4 nights. i got maybe 8 hours of sleep which is good for one night..but not nearly enough for 4. Yesterday I had no intentions of using because i needed sleep and knew of no resources. the thought of spending the day without numbing myself terrified me. my heart was racing all day. i just wanted to sleep so i can start the cycle of using. not sleeping, and not eating over agian.
Last night i looked at myself in the mirror after my shower. my face looked leathery and gray...i've never seen my eyes look so dark and sunken. the weight loss was giving me that lollipop head thing going on again. I was also shaking like a leaf and smelt of body odor and smoke.
i am concious of what i'm doing and what a mess im in but i don't allow myself to think about it or ask myself questions. sometimes i want to ask the other guys i smoke with "aren't you afraid of what where this is sending your life?" I am. But I will not allow myself to think about it. And my reasonings why treatment isn't a good idea makes me think about things and i simply will not allow myself to do that. i can't think about what i should be doing, could be doing, and my feelings behind it. will. not.