2006-07-18, 1:57 p.m.
Stayed up all night with Ruston and dealer's exboyfriend (gay guys) smoking. Dealer hit the hay when he got here. Ruston has been weird and stand-offish. He acts funny and then won't tell me what's going on. I'm kicking myself for thinking he might like me rather than my gracious offers to share shit and blow him off.
Waking up this morning with things feeling so different between us has left me depressed. Or maybe I feel awful because I am barely eating, barely sleeping (10 hrs in 5 days...new record.) and using whenever possible. i want dealer and exboyfriend to leave my place despite me telling them they're welcome to crash here. I have been doing a lot of stupid things I regret later while fucked up. Even if they left i'm not sure what i'd do. Part of me just wants to have some alone time and another part of me is glad to have the company. i guess i just don't know about any of these people anymore. they make me feel cheap used dumb and guilty. they have no problem telling you what to do and will manipulate you to be their puppet. i just want a friend...someone who loves me unconditionally and reminds me how to smile. i feel so dumb everytime i crash from staying up all night because i get so emotional and so ridiculously depressed. and empty. god the emptiness.
when i'm high i never want to sleep. when i'm crashing i don't want to sleep or be awake. i hate being in my skin and i hate the anxiety that comes with sitting with ME.
What is so wrong with me that I can't find a single friend, boy, or mentor to lean on? For once, I think i deserve something and it fucks with my self worth.
i'm going to go pick at my body for hours. it passes the time.