And you say to yourself, my god, what have I done?
2006-07-18, 9:18 p.m.

This day was fucking nuts. Ruston, Dealer, and Exboyfriend all stayed over. Dealer was the only one who slept. I dropped Ruston off at like 7AM and was stuck with the pair the rest of the day. i came crashing down and was insanely depressed and lethargic. The whole day I felt like crying and just wanted them out of my house. Around 6 a fight erupted with Dealer and exboyfriend. Exboy needed to be somewhere, dealer was his ride, and dealer was being weird about it. he knew he had to be there but had this cold aloof approach about it which made exboy even more mad. The madder he got the more calm and friendly he was which made him more angry. Dealer asked me if I wanted to come to drop off exboy, too, and I declined. her persisted and even though i felt like there was something dirty behind it, i ended up going. Exboy and dealer fought the whole drive. I felt awkward being there and sat in silence. Even though dealer was calm he started driving more and more agressive. I put my head into my lap and kept myself from looking at the road because i think that would scare me shitless. I started texting Ruston, because in the occasion i am about to get killed atleast someone would know. He dropped exboy off and the fighting continued. He then said he wanted to come back in a few minutes when exboy's rents were gone and he could "bug" him. I knew this was a bad bad idea but my passive self was only able to say "i don't know about that." The longer we were out, the more I was realizing dealer is planning to stay here AGAIN tonight. I just wanted the house to myself. Ruston wanted me to come over and I do not feel comfortable leaving him here... I have no idea what he's capable of. I don't know him well enought to trust that he doesn't have some other psychotic side to steal my prescription drugs and TV or something. I called Ruston as soon as we got back and spilled the whole story. He said he'd get a ride over here and hlpe because i don't know how to say to him to get out of my house. I feel odd turning around and saying that especailly because i haven't expressed that all evening during this mess. I can't let this guy manipulate and control me though... ruston saw it as soon as i started talking to him via text messaging yesterday and warned me to stay away but I'm nieve or not cautious or something.
I'm afraid how this night is going to turn out. I hate confrontation, I hate not having confidence in myself, and I hate not knowing what the fuck is right. These are the situations where I run like hell. However, despite that starting all of this shit has only brought sketchy, uncomfortable and sometimes almost dangerous situations, i ignore those red flags. i swear, i'm doomed for destruction because until i'm in jail, on my death bed, or something that would equally punch you in the face, i can't muster up the kind of energy and feelings I should have.
and as usual my feelings are flip flopping like mad. yesterday i was mad at ruston and now i want to kiss him for being so considerate and helpful tonight.
and you can bet there will be more to this story later.