2006-07-20, 8:07 p.m.
Booting the dealer went smoother than I thought which is a relief. These past couple days have been relatively meth free. I've been sleeping a lot and trying to get over a cold. I'm not as depressed as I usually am off meth but I am lonely. It's nice to relax and recharge. This morning I saw Julio. We talked about the things I need to be doing and how i feel like i can't do it without help. His response was: "Wouldn't that be nice?" meaning, thats a way to take the easy way out, rely on others, and not have to do the work i'm capable of. i kept trying to explain my thoughts and feelings but it was hard to vocalize. He reiterated about how this is the one thing that could end our relationship together. He said he wouldn't treat a shell of a person or tolerate me coming in loaded all the time. I started to cry and said I needed someone to help me. He quickly said he is my help and he's not going to abandon me, which just made me cry harder. I am going to find some CManonymous meetings and attend those. I need to work on finding jobs that appeal to me to bring back to the company that is helping find me work. I need a life. I can't let this be the end of me.