reflections on hawaii
2006-09-07, 8:54 p.m.

There's so much to write and so much I don't want to write about.
I was fucking nuts in Hawaii. Hysterical. Sobbing constantly. Literally was fearful that I was losing my mind. I haven't felt that worried about my mental stabability since I was like, 16. I think a huge part of that messy emotional roller coaster was the lack of shit and how much i was smoking before that.
The fights in Hawaii were intense and damaging to my heart. I never knew until then that my dad didn't love me as much as I thought he did. He doesn't have unconditional love that parents are suppose to be built with. I don't know my dad anymore. It's hard to convince myself to give up hope in having a family. I didn't realize I loved him more than he loved me. I was afraid by speaking the truth he would crack. But I knew if I didn't, I'm just as bad. I don't want to be another exusce to justify his parenting skills. He is reponsible for my sister's success, but has nothing to do with my failures.
The first thing I did when I got home was smoke. I went straight to it immediatly after dropping my suitcase. It felt great. I've been up since. I had an appt with Julio this morning. I feel guilty over the appointment because it wasn't me. I brought Dan with me because he was at my place. He chilled in the waiting room during my session. I vented about Hawaii and my perspectives and reflections on it. Julio said I've grown more and said more mature things in that moment than I have in the past month. I hoped it wasn't the meth speaking. Julio said I had to go through all of this to be able to move on from it. I said I have been in the same spot for years and have nothing tangiable to show as my progress. While I may agree with Julio that it as necessary, it's hard to convince all the people around me that are disapointed and frustrated with me.
Things with Joe were painful now frustrating. I couldn't think about him in Hawaii without wanting to cry. Now I just get angry and am giving him the cold shoulder..the best I can via text messaging. I have no desire to do anything right now. I don't care about school, getting my text books, any of my responsibilities, the fact that I hardly see my pregnant best friend, or anything else that should squeeze emotion out of me. I am blank. Numb. Heartless.
There is such a strong part of me that is screaming to live and fight this and prove to my dad that i'm better than him, i don't need him, and he's full of shit. But another side that is exhausted and just wants to curl up and cry. So instead I sit paralyzed with fear and don't move at all. But doing nothing is going backwards as time goes on.