vacation woes
2006-10-05, 8:25 p.m.

this is an e-mail i sent to julio.

Hi hi hi. I don't have much time to write this due to an inpatient dad but I had to touch base with reality. Since I left last Friday, everything has been a blur. I don't know if it's withdrawel or what, and not to sound dramatic or repetitive, but I feel like I"m losing it. I hadn't slept for nearly 4 days when I left and I realized I seriously was hallucinating and making up stuff in my head. I was convinced the people on my plane were all smoking. I thought I was hearing words like "grams" "crystal" and "pipe". I think I even asked these people next to me if they were holding and now i can look back and understand why they were acting as if i were nuts. The first night we got here was...terrifying. I was hysterical and psycho. Screaming at my mom and dad...threatening to kill myself...sobbing hysterically..because the stuff with my mom and dad just was amplified by 10,000 from no drugs no sleep or something. At my sister's wedding (which i'm sure was beautiful if i could remember it) my dad apologized to me and said he was a jerk. he said something really nasty things to me that are still haunting me. he said he loves me very much and we hugged and yay. then the following day it started again. i wanted to try to fly stand by and get the eff out of here and when i couldn't, i was a hysterical mess. my dad was yelling at my brother and i that i need professional help and that's hes had enough of me. he said lots more really fun things that are on repeat in my head.
honestly, right now, as a i type i don't feel right. there is a fog in my head and my hands are shaking very badly. and the weird thing is this kind of feels like a de ja vu...this feeling i am having. it feels like when i was topomax or another drug that would make me sleep for awhile and i woke up fuzzy. to get through yesterday, i did end up taking 5 or 6 sleeping pills and didn't get up until this morning...but i can't get my feet back on the ground. i feel really out of it. really emotional STILL. and really really anxious. the anxiety of sitting with myself is unbearable and just thinking about the past however-many-days i've been here (because i honeslty can't remember) makes me tear up. my dad is right: i'm a fucking mess. but i'm also just really scared and was either going to write in my journal or you. but i need to send these thoughts and fears to a real person because the loneliness and fear and insanity is overwhelming.
i'm so so glad i have an appt with you thursday.
<3 M