2006-09-14, 1:39 p.m.
I'm in a hole and can't get out. I'm so miserable and lonely and emotional. All day I feel like I'm either sobbing hysterically or screaming and kicking a door in anger. I'm smoking way too much...everyday and not trying to control how much. Since last Thursday, my sleep has been all over the place. I think I've gotten maybe 15 hours of sleep in 7 days. I haven't smoked in 10 hours and that's the longest i've gone since the Hawaii trip. I haven't seen Joe since before Hawaii. On occassion, he texts me or calls asking for me to change my phone number/email/diary entries because his girlfriend is grilling him again. Today I didn't cry when I talked to him. I am going numb.
I feel like everyone is having a hard time right now. Today Julio was obviously distracted. Mid-session he brought up another patient's story. A gal with a mother with cancer that has been battling for 10 years and everyone knows she's going to die. Yesterday, the father shot himself. Julio said when you hear stories like that, you have to think your problems aren't that bad. I was kicking myself because at the beginning of our session, I told him life sucks and his resposne was "you only get one." i said "good. i don't even want this one." he said "oh stop. don't start that today." now i see why that was said. At one point, Julio had tears in his eyes. He was talking about his concern and worry over my meth use but that was right after the suicide/cancer story. I remembered later julip's best friend died in 2000 of cancer. i feel like an ass now. and pessimistic over the future. when i see bad things happpening all around me, all i can think is that life is to hard and too painful. and it isn't worth it.