2006-10-08, 1:38 p.m.
A couple evenings ago, I finally snapped.
I was trying to hang out with this old sketchy guy in order to be smoked out. It was a long fucking ordeal because Joe, my Joe, wanted me to buy him some shit because he uses them as bribes for housing leads. Joe was late to meet me as usual, and talked up a storm as usual. I had to cover my tracks and tell the old sketchy guy I ran into a girlfriend. Joe got me all worked up because he kept going on and on about how the place I was going to is a really bad neighborhood, and even him being mexican hasn't stopped people from throwing signs at his car. I got to the old man's house and was kind of freaked out. By the time I got there, I was over due with needing shit. I was in a terrible mood and was over driving. I called him to let him know I was there only to get his voicemail. Then I texted him. And nothing. I sat for an hour and finally gave up. Joe wanted me to call him when I got there to let him know I'm safe. I texted him, rather upset, and he met up with me. He talked to me in my car saying how I'm better than this and these people aren't my friends. He didn't dance around the subject and bluntly told me they wouldn't give me the time of day if it wasn't for my car, my house, or that i'm a girl. He told me i'm smarter than them and a pretty girl like me shouldn't be doing these kind of things...that I don't fit in with this shit. maybe I was tired and sleep deprived and coming down but I just couldn't stop crying. I was pretty calm leaving him but kind of shell shocked. he called me just as i was about to get on the freeway to have me stop at the waterstore--our old meeting place. my heart jumped thinking maybe it will be like it use to be..we'll sneak up to the upstairs office and let loose. But when I got there, he walked to my car and handed me rainbow sherbet from the water store. He knew it was my favorite and i wanted to cry all over again. But I didn't cry until midway home on the freeway. I just lost it--bawling my eyes out. I was crying so hard I couldn't even see where I was driving. When I got home, the tears wouldn't stop. I crawled onto my bed and shook as i cried hysterically. i text messaged ruston asking him to come over..i told hgim i really need a friend right now.
he blew me off. and so did dan. And suddenly all Joe was telling me about these people not being my friends came into perspective. That just fueled my tears and I felt so so alone all of a sudden...like everyone was just ripped out of my life. At 7:30, I fell asleep exhausted of crying and emotions. Yesterday i smoked a crap load...and while my anxiety decreased and i finally stopped crying..there was an ache in me and some weight to my step. I was completely twacked out yet Dan had to ask me if I was okay. I tried to talk to Dan about feeling used but he just got defensive and I still don't feel right about things. i tried to ask Ruston how he could do that to me and he said i don't know. I asked him doesn't he care when he hurts me like that and he didn't respond.
Reality is harsh and drugs are my new best friend.