i didn't mean to fuck up like this.
2006-10-12, 11:17 p.m.

my body feels exhausted. my bulimia has picked up due to the fact that my meth tolerance has picked up.it takes more meth to keep my appetite at bay. plus, i've been starving myself longer so my body demands food easier now. my jeans hang on my hips yet i remember why i hated my underweight body: it's unproportionate and looks bad thin, normal, or heavier. it all comes back to the fact that i can't be okay with myself. meth use to keep my anxiety down but now even when i'm spun as hell the butterflies remain in my tummy. it's getting harder and harder to numb myself or disassociate from reality. mostly because the more i check out the more intense it tries to check in...basically all my solutions are creating more problems.
i saw joe today. we've seen eachother a few times now since everything fell apart. today he said to me that he wished he could hug and kiss me and "(pause)other things..." which made my heart long, swoon, and ache at once. i know he's doing his best but it's so hard to have him here and not have him like i use to. and when he makes comments like that it just fans the false hope in me that one of these days we may kiss again.
not even a couple days after ruston and i patched things up did things turn sour again. i hung out with him awkwardly and when i left he sent me a text message. our converstion went like this:
"did you know you have cum in your hair?"
"um. i doubt it. we've been flying solo lately and i haven't been fucking around. it's probably hair product of some sort.who's would it be?"
"maybe the last guy you got shit(meth) from."
"what the fuck is your problem? why would you even stir that shit up. that was so fucked up to say."
"seems like that's how you pay for it."
"i told you i traded pills for it. and what, are you so much of an addict that you'll lie to me pretending everything is cool, smoke my shit, then insult me on where you think i got it from?"
"that wasn't my intention"
"i don't care. that's fucked up."
i don't even want to write about how mad i am at him and how he came up with that conclusion. i'm easy. anyone can get in my pants. but this is not how i fucking want things or meant them to me or what i want to be doing. i know that it's all my fault that i got myself addicted to meth but i'm not even in touch with reality most of the time. i'm not here and this isn't happening. Then when I let my mind step back into present day time i have a huge mess that i didn't mean to create.
god, this sounds like one big exusce but exusce or not it's the truth.